Mother’s Day tainted…

How am I suppose to enjoy Mother’s Day when I don’t feel like I can be a mum, everyone’s eyes on me the whole time the stress of knowing I’m facing court soon and still they try say I may of disgustingly put these things into my daughters head.

Child in need meeting last week due to my daughters sexualised behaviour and he was there with his mother, sitting there with his snap back backwards (not that I have a problem with them) ripped jeans and dirty trainers not once looking at the social worker not at all interested more interested at picking his nails and looking at his shoes like a prepubescent child.

Is this the man that could have contact with my child who looks like he couldn’t give two s*#ts that my precious daughter is having several different councelling sessions that my daughter has nightmares screaming most nights that my daughter is wetting her bed that HIS son sexually abused her and allowed it to happen. 

Apparently I’m not allowed to say his son has sexually abused her as it’s only alledged and not proven so says the social worker well I tell you what I believe everything that my baby has told me so yes she has been sexually abused in one of the worst ways possible!!!

Today she will get another card from wankstain pretending his a fantastic father it makes her so confused my daughter doesn’t understand how he’s nice in cards but horrible in real life “mummy why does he say nice things cos when I see him he scares me and has a angry face and says he’s going to put nails in my throat!”

This week to buy a dream catcher yes they don’t work but may help my baby think it does because she screams for him not to take her. She told me she sees him in her room and is scared to sleep she thinks he will get her, she says she hates to see her name written on the certificates in my kitchen because it has his surname on it and she wants to be the same as her “nice daddy”,

My heads frazzled I don’t want to be here I want to end it all but I can’t I have 4 kids needing me, I don’t want to do it anymore, I don’t want to fight, I don’t want the stress, I can’t cope. I want to run away. I dream of happiness.

Some days I wish she never told me I know it’s so so selfish but I was getting on with life I feel so guilty for saying that. My hearts broken and I don’t know how to fix it.

I need someone to take over I need someone to fight my corner I need someone who knows what they are doing, I don’t know what else I can do.

My daughters school told the social worker I don’t read with my daughter I went mad how even dare they,I love reading. I read daily and nightly with my babies at the minute we are reading the bfg in fact I said that school hasn’t even changed her book in months and she’s having to share my sons book. When I have so much on me how could they add to my stress I left them a disgusting letter in her filled up reading record (from me not reading to her 😡)  and I actually volunteer  and read with that bloody school and see how many parents don’t even bother once a week…. how dare they!!

You know yesterday was lovely we went to a beautiful park and lake bike riding but still even riding round there I had all this in my head, I got home bathed the kids then sobbed sobbed so hard no more tears could come. I just can’t do this no more.

The reality these days is that mothers are just not believed because of the vile women out there who do lie who are vindictive the women who are only protecting are looked upon as the same. It’s sickens me when I hear or see a mum say “he can’t see my kids he don’t pay me nothing” Do they know what they are doing to the family law systems 😡

I’m scared April 24th is nearly hear still need to earn another £2000 to pay for a barrister who actually doesn’t give a sh*# just another number to tick off there jobs list. Is there anyone out there doing it because they actually care or is it just all about money these days 😞

My eldest who’s 10 is angry he never got justice neither did my other son but luckily he’s too young to remember

I’m scared will he won’t be believed or will it be another thing for them to say I’ve made it up even though all them years back I have social services reports about the abuse on both of my sons.

I don’t even know why I write these but as I am it’s calming me down.

One day I prey for justice I prey to keep my children safe I prey I have the help and support and I prey no one will ever have to go through what my family have been.

New email address 

Thank you for all that have shared so far you are in my thoughts everyday and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

All those who have shared advice 😘❤ thank you also every little helps xxxx


Fighting for justice

Who can help me? Feels like no one’s there, when you have bills in the thousands because of court proceedings when all you want to do is protect your daughter 😞

So the inevitable happened, it was only a matter of time before it would of done anyway and maybe I shouldn’t even be writing about it on here. But I need to get it out, I need to scream but I can’t!

Back in July of 2016 my daughter told me her half brother from her “father” had been sexually abusing her she’s only 6 him 9 a repeated pattern of what he done to my sons when I was with his dad.

Court never listened to me wouldn’t even entertain what he did to my boys, so he was given no extra supervision when my daughter was having contact. My daughter told her “father” what had been happening and he never stopped it, still allowed the boy to get in her bed repeatedly.

When my daughter finally told me I phoned the police and over the next couple of days she spoke to police and 2 different social workers she even expressed how unhappy and sad She was at contact and never wanted to go there her “father” scared her.

I immediately stopped contact and social services said I was well in my rights if I feel it’s unsafe environment.

He her “father” obviously took me to court and said it was all lies nothing happened how can he say my baby isn’t telling the truth 😞 My 6 year old little girl who is so innocent apparently I’m filling my babie’s head with vile stuff who in their right mind would tell children about these things.

So over a few months my daughter started showing sexualised behaviours copying what happened to her. I thought her councelling would help her but she’s needed further treatment my poor baby is having counselling at such a young age. My little girls head must be so confused.

My daughter one day broke down crying trying to tell me something she said it was about her father and looked so worried to tell me I immediately thought the worst but she told me he had threatened to put nails down her throat and leave her in the woods. I calmed her down and promised she was safe. How could anyone say something so disgusting to a little girl no wonder she was too scared to tell me what happened to her no wonder she wets the bed at night.

My baby told her teacher about it to and the social worker but still he maybe able to have contact with her.

Ive got court next month and July as he wants contact she’s told so many she doesn’t want to see him,she’s told so many how she feels but still they want her to be put with this man who has caused so much damage to her little mind. She screams at night horrendous nightmares has OCD won’t even play with her own toys they have to be in order. She’s so sad she’s not been herself since before she ever saw that man.

No ones there to help me there’s nothing I can do! I can’t save my baby. My barrister is horrendous I’m paying a man who spoke to me and my mother like a piece of crap.

My babies have all been let down by the system my baby has been hurt even though I warned the judge! It’s the justice system and the judges fault my baby got hurt he put her in that awful position.


If anyone has any advice anything at all even the tiniest thing my email address

please please someone help 😞

Please share on all social media I need help 😢

Bodily Functions……

“The average person passes gas 10 times a day, and even 20 daily toots is not deemed abnormal by the American College of Gastroenterology. Flatulence is the body’s natural way of getting rid of excess gas buildup in the intestines and bowel. The odor and noise may offend, but flatulence is a healthy bodily function, especially when you are following a nutritious diet that contains gas-producing foods such as beans, corn, broccoli, cabbage and onions. Sometimes, however, flatulence may indicate a more serious medical condition.”

At what point does flatulence become an issue and something that shouldn’t be shared with others?                                                                                                                                                          I wonder if its an offence to purposely break wind on someone?

My daughter went to visit “wankstains” last week (in fact shes actually there now) when she got home she was very sad about a numerous of things one in particular was her cries to come home were ignored 😦                                                                                                                       The next thing she was upset about was that her paternal grandfather purposely went over to her and farted on her ….. as i write this I have the biggest sick feeling inside me and anger, i know some will find it funny but my beautiful little girl shouldn’t be subject to someone being so gross. Is he that uneducated he couldn’t find something more appropriate to do with my daughter then fart on her?

All i know is my grandfather or even my own father have never once done it to me in all my 27 years (and i’m very thankful!)


My life wrong choice….. continued

So today i feel drawn to write more, my first entry in some way has made me feel a little lighter . When i started this blog i didn’t  know what i wanted from it i don’t even know why i felt so compelled to write about it but in just a few days that “wrong choice” feels not so much as a burden anymore and i now have a date to see the gynecologist (i’m not sure whether he’s ready to feel the wrath of me but we shall see 🙂 ) i’m no longer going to be a pushover and i’m no longer letting them use my body as an experiment.


I put a picture to my profile earlier me and my gorgeous family on my wedding day. One of the best days of my life. It is so true what they say about how amazing it is and it goes far too quickly so anyone out there just about to get married enjoy and cherish every minute because one minute your organizing, then walking down the aisle, then its all over in a flash i think it took me a good couple of weeks to get use to no wedding madness or appointments, and it took me a further couple of months to get use to calling my man my husband 😀 if only i had been with him all my adult life then most of my wrong horrible choices wouldn’t of happened, he saved me from so much and fixed my broken soul, me and Mr Incredible haven’t always been together….

See back when i was 16 i went off the rails a little bit i was a complete nightmare for my mum who brought me up single handed and my first wrong choice happened, wasn’t my worst wrong choice but it was wrong all the same. I met a 23 year old man and thought i had fell in love. It didn’t matter what my mum or dad said i wanted to be with him.                So 5 years down the line and 2 children later (my autistic boys) me and him split i wanted to be a family he wanted to spend his life down the pub so it couldn’t work :/ (unfortunately he still hasn’t changed but that’s no longer my issue its his new girlfriends lol)

Its a shame i didn’t stay single after that to find myself but deep inside i had an urge to be a family i didn’t want my boys growing up without a man around i watched daily as my mum struggled with 5 children on her own very silly i know but at the time i was obviously a immature 21 year old.

It was 2:30am when i bumped into “wankstain” (his name isn’t that but this suits him a lot more.) Why? oh why? did i stop to speak to my biggest and greatest wrong choice i ever made, the one to nearly ruin my whole life? The one who tried to ruin my happiness? The one who tried to ruin who i was? I must of been a very bad person in my past life for him to be brought into mine 😦  For some weird reason i agreed to be his girlfriend when i wasn’t physically or mentally attracted to him, maybe it was that he said all the right things to me, he saw me coming a mile off and I believed every little lie he said his promises he made of wanting to be a proper family and promises to love me and my boys unconditionally. Well God didn’t that change in just 6 months i found out i was pregnant with my 3rd child and life with “wankstain” completely and utterly changed 😦 I was so stupid and naive back then why didn’t i stop to think about the fact i didn’t know this man who i was having a baby with? Why didn’t I just wait until i did? I don’t regret my beautiful daughter but i so regret him. The guilt I feel for letting him into mine and most of all my boys lives is immense and something i will have to live with forever…

Its weird how these people start off so nice giving no clue of what their real selves are. I did have warnings even from my own brother he told me what “wankstain” was apparently like but I wouldn’t listen would I?

I did listen when it started happening though first the complete laziness and demands for sex at all hours of the day/night. I was 3 months pregnant and he started getting really nasty to the boys would make them scream, hit them, kick them over for no reason then call them gay when i use to question him he said it was only a joke he was messing around this type of occurrence happened a few times a week and it started to really get me down.

My pregnancy from seeing the blue line was extremely difficult first was the spotting then the SPD ( started i was in constant agony and was very tired. There was no help from “wankstain” he would only agree to come shopping if i performed oral sex on him no matter how much i pleaded with him he wouldn’t agree to do anything unless some sort of sexual gratification was giving and that’s how he slowly started the sexual abuse (not that i knew it was abuse at first. It took me a long time to realize when it started.)

So with the constant demand for sex and the way he was treating my boys i went to the doctors completely and utterly stressed i couldn’t take no more but i didn’t tell her the truth did i! The doctor took my pulse it was racing she said i was stressed and put me on a antidepressant.

The more me and him argued about the way he treated the boys the more he demanded from me I was his sexual plaything he could do with me what he pleased and i allowed him he’d grind me down so id just lay there and take it. I was 26 weeks when i started bleeding it was a Saturday night i remember the day as my mum use to have my boys on a Saturday to the Monday every week because of the pain i was in, “wankstain” said its probably nothing and that night forced me to have sex even with the risk of injuring our child he still did it. I got in the bath and just cried hoping my baby would be OK and still in my mind what i thought he was doing was in some way allowed as he would say its because i’m his girlfriend and so sexy he cant help it .

My daughter was born at 26 weeks 4 days weighing 1lb11 i was the most scariest time of my life constant worry until i got her home that something bad would happen to her but she was so amazing and strong and i got her home 4 weeks before her due date weighing around 4lb 🙂

Around 6/7 months after the birth of my daughter I had walked in on “wankstains” son who was on top of my youngest son at the time. My sons nappy had been taken off. I quickly said “what’s going on” his son jumped off and said “nothing ” my son was 2 and a half his son was nearly 4. My eldest son who has autism was sitting on the bed, I asked him what was going on if he knew what the boy was doing and his reply was “mummy he was scratching and kissing ……….’s willy”

I instantly removed my son from the room put his nappy on and called wankstain, he tried to play it down I couldn’t believe it I was in shock I left the house and went to my mums and later told him I didn’t want his son at my house yes he himself was a baby but he shared a room with my boys. I phoned social services and nspcc for help. Nspcc advised no contact for 6 months and hopefully it was a one off. Thinking back to the weeks before hand each weekend my sons penis had been really sore and I even asked what had happened and he said the boy did it but I thought he must be wrong he’s only 2 years old little kids don’t do this. After 6 months let’s say it wasn’t a one off he then did the same to my eldest one year older then the boy but my autistic son was so much mentally younger.

I woke to hear the kids all up at 5am. I went down stairs with the kids and put a film on walked back up to get out of my pj’s and as I was getting dressed I heard my eldest and the boy walking up the stairs as they got to the top stair I heard the boy say “let’s go and have sex” after that incident my eldest had said that the boy when they were playing had pushed him on the floor had hit him then pulled down his trousers and had Touched his penis.

No one seemed to care about this and never received any help for what happened to my boys either.

“Wankstains” demands and abuse didn’t stop it got worse he once told me he did this stuff to me because he could no one else allowed him but me. He would watch rape porn and was addicted to it and would reenact the vile films he had seen. One time i got back from my brother’s party very very drunk the next day woke up to be told he had sex with me whilst i was asleep and had took pictures and videos i was so so sickened and so scared i couldn’t believe i didn’t feel or remember a thing.

I needed to get out of this i needed to get away from him he installed in me that if i was to leave him he would get full custody of my daughter as i was mad, i was so scared we would argue most days then he would rape me because he couldn’t win the arguments he was in the wrong not me and he couldn’t stop my mouth and that was the only way he felt he could.

Finally after nearly 2 horrible and disgusting years i managed to get rid of the vile monster. Its funny i never thought to tell the police the whole time i was with him “oh look another wrong choice” but that changed after i found out he had been messaging my 14 yr old sister. It was about 4 weeks after we split when i had a night in with my mum and sister and all of a sudden my sister started crying she said that “wankstain” had been inappropriately messaging her, i read through message after message one where he asked her to “come suck this”, she replied with no you freak and then he would message back turned down by another one of the family  apparently that message was sent when i was sitting with them both it broke my heart that she couldn’t tell me she didn’t want to hurt me 😦  all the messages were inappropriate.                                                

The next day i phoned the police i wasn’t letting him get away with this anymore!

4 years on and hes still trying to wreck my life he got away with everything not enough evidence apparently and he got a warning for messaging an under age girl, now he has contact with my daughter who he is slowly destroying. 3 years full of court, contact centers and a hell a lot of money he is now proven to be a good enough father in the eyes of the law 😦 I have got to save up to find a good lawyer who’s going to fight mine and my daughters corner, who wont stop till we’re listened to. Since she has started going to his she has turned from a confident and funny to a scared, insecure, sad little girl who will no longer dance around the living room, who no longer enjoys school. i have to endure her devastated cries when it comes to visitation, i have to comfort her every night while she has bad dreams about this man taking her away!

I cant wait for the day that karma hits him!

But for now i will keep fighting and fighting i will never back down to keep my princess safe!   

My life wrong choice

Ever think about life?  Think about all the wrong choices you’ve made and how you will  never make them right? As i was cleaning the kitchen this evening i found myself crying yet again about my WRONG choices. I know i should get a grip, stop feeling sorry for myself but this feeling never goes the guilt and the anger i feel constantly just grips me up inside.

Im 27 years old with 4 beautiful kids to my name, newly married to someone i absolutely adore (he can be a pain in the neck but hey i don’t suppose i’m the easiest person to live with especially at the minute) have a mini farm of pets, a lovely house and an amazing close nit family so i bet everyone’s thinking yes what have you got to moan about, whys your life so hard?  I know i say it to myself.

If i went through all my wrong choices ive made it would takes me months to write down so maybe i should choose the one hurting me the most each day and maybe me typing it down it can in some way heal me, ive heard writing letters to people that have hurt you and just chucking it in the bin can sometimes make you feel better so here goes and maybe there is some other wrong choicer out there feeling exactly the same as me and just want to know they are not the only one.

Corrr where do i start :/ i suppose i can start off back on 22nd sept last year a day where i made a humongous wrong and stupid choice i had my hysterectomy the Horrid hysterectomy with a capital H !! After years of excruciating pain, ridiculously heavy periods multiple miscarriages, 2 very preterm births (my daughter at 27 weeks, my son at 29) and long hospital stays for various serious infections including sepsis twice with both they thought my womb was the culprit but NO diagnosis and no reasons why? , just looks of disbelief, looks that made me think it was all in my head. After my 8th miscarriage which kept me in hospital for a week in agony and heavy blood loss i cried for a hysterectomy. I couldn’t do this anymore! The gynecologist looked at me yet again with a look as though i’m mad but said ” i’m sure your gp will agree when you get out of here book an appointment.”

I couldn’t really understand why i had to go home to then sort it with a gp to be then referred back to them but there you go that’s what i did i went crying to my gp who said “i cant see why they would disagree to the hysterectomy they may question you about your age but you have 4 children so you’ve had your lot ” so there that was easy about a week later had a letter it gave me a choice of my usual nhs hospital or the private so i chose the nice bmi hospital. I went in for my appointment spoke to the man for about 10 minutes who said “yes you have 4 children 2 of which have special needs you have enough on your plate, cervical cancer cells are back so we will also remove cervix, here’s a  leaflet” asked about my pain he wrote it down scanned me couldn’t see no issue told me it will be a very quick straight forward procedure.

The big day came all i could think about was no more pain, i could finally enjoy my life, feel like i could be a proper mum again, feel my age not my nan’s i was taken down to theater around 10:30 am and was in the recovery room for 2:00pm a lot longer then was expected. As i was stirring i heard the nurses whispering saying no wonder she was in pain. What had they found? Wheeled back to my room to be met by my doctor who also performed the surgery who said when he opened me up he quickly saw that i had extensive endometriosis, for those that dont know what that is heres a link to a helpful site                                                                                                            Huge fibroid’s inside my womb, my right overy removed as the endometriosis tissue had destroyed it and extensive scar tissue wrapped everywhere all over my bowel and other organs, it took them an hour to release my bladder from the scar tissue he then said i could stay in for 2 nights as i would be in more pain then first thought as he didn’t realize i would need so much work .

So after years of going to and fro to the hospital over 50 scans in the last 5 years no one could see or realize or believe what was going on i forgot to mention they opened me back in the may to remove some scar tissue causing pain they didn’t see any of this then? I also asked whether this was what i had i read about it for years and i always got a NO definitely not we cant see nothing scans come back fine ARGHHH!

Now 6 months on my pain is back im bleeding again im bloated and yet to see the bloody so called gyne doctor, who never mentioned to me any other surgery i could have beforehand to check why i had pain. Who never counselled me to see whether this drastic option is definitely one im thinking of with sound mind, i hate my post op body its completely changed and what was the point when im feeling the same as before just now less of a woman and a definite NO more kids 😦